An old rebellious soul

I'm an old soul. An old, and rebellious soul.

Contradictory? Agreed.

The minute that someone tells me I should be a certain way, I go the opposite. And I know that as an adult I should have outgrown this by now, but I have realized its not something I can ever grow out.

It's who I am.

I question everything, I over analyze, and I'll try anything once. I have to know everything for myself....Its kind of like I took Lavar Burton's quote from then end to Reading Rainbow, to "don't take my word for it" too literally, and I have to figure out things in my own way in my own space.

But, I'm deeply connected to my "inner me" at the same time. I don't show it to people often, but its there. And I trust it more than I trust you to be quite blunt.

...And my inner me is a really old lady, I think.

haha

I'm not a product of the times. I almost hate technology---I hate the instant accessibility that an IPhone brings. I hate being at a dinner table and everyone is head down in their own cyber-world. But more than that, I hate that I follow suit. I follow most of the time cause I'm like "what the hell is everyone looking at? I better check..." So, I whip out my phone and check, too.

Then I see this:



And it rings true to me. Its exactly how I feel. All my old lady self wants is to connect with people. I don't want to know about you so that I can then go gossip and spew all your information out in a twisted way...I just want to hear because I honestly like to know. I learn from you...you learn from me. And I don't ever want to fix anybody, because there is something beautiful that happens when you break down in front of someone and the other person is just there for you, not giving you instructions on how to not feel what you're feeling, don't you agree?




Written by the wonderful Weslie Christensen 

Things..

Sorry I haven't wrote in a while. Life has been a complete blur the past couple months. It's been going 90 miles a minute and I can barely keep up. Promise to catch up soon.

Tonight I just want to write a brief memory I will have to remember when I'm old, gray, and senile. It happens often but tonight I just realized how super lucky and blessed I am to have the family I do. All this great feeling overwhelmed me when my mother & I, both too tired to get off the couch to go to bed, finally get up around 11:15 to head to dream land, but realize we still need to put the food away from dinner & make my dad & brothers lunch (they leave to work around 3:15 so any good daughter/sister would be happy to make their lunch) & instead we decide to chow down on chips & el pato instead. Favorite memories. I love my Lil life an my lucky Lil memories. Oh ps my dads electric fence shocked the crap outta me tonight too. My Dadski thinks it's funny, of course. 26 with no home living anywhere I have a bed & roof, just so happens to be with my parents right now & tonight I feel lucky to be living with them. But just tonight.


Ta ta loves.
Rach

Hey how about a Lil me time...

I noticed in my few blog posts I have written they are the majority about Mike, I think I write a lot about him because of the obvious reason (him being so great) but I think my main reason being is I don't get to talk about him a whole lot in person, people tend to get uncomfortable real quick when I bring him up. They get this awkward look on their face, give me the tilted head smile/nod, and then change the subject. I don't want people's sympathy anymore, I have grown past that stage, not that i ever wanted it, but it did help...it doesn't help anymore. I accept the challenge God has put in my life, it has made me an incredibly strong woman, and I am somehow grateful for it, I just simply want to talk about Mike, he was so incredibly great, hilarious, crazy ass, good lookin, a one of a kind guy which led to so many great stories....it's not that I want to live in the past, but hey my past was pretty great, it's just nice to reminisce on a great man and an even greater love.

So please if I ever bring Mike up, just listen, ask about him, I love to get questions about him & be reminded of him. some of my memories are starting to fade and so to be asked questions that trigger a memory is one of the greatest gifts you could give me.....

Oh hey guess what my intent was for this post, to talk about me, my great life and to get to know me a little better. Yet once again it led to Mike....so as I dictate away from him I lead you to me.

1. My mind goes a million miles a minute
2. I love my family, I literally think I have the closest, best family in the world.
4. I grew up on a ranch right smack dab on the state line of Az/NM near springerville.
5. I have a younger brother & sister that mean more to me than anything in the world, I would literally die for them.
6. My parents have been married for 28 years this April, there love continues to get stronger daily, they inspire me & I hope to share a love like that someday with someone.
7. I am catholic and very proud of it.
8. My catholic name is Sebastian.
9. My life for the last 18 or so years has been revolved around sports...volleyball, softball, and football.
10. I played college volleyball & softball, every single one of my boyfriends have played collegiate football, and the last three years I have helped put on a coed softball tournament for Mikes foundation, I have coached teenage & college girls in volleyball & was recently offered a full time high school coaching position, but declined....I have decided to take a temporary break from sports and see if life leads me in a new direction.
11. The only people I care in this life to impress are my grandma Barbara and grandpa Phil, I try daily to be better people for them. There's no two other people I look up to more.
12. I tickle my arms in my sleep. It is how my dad used to put me to sleep.
13. One day I hope to have my own western line.
14. I have been blessed with so many wonderful friendships its unreal, I thank God daily for all the wonderful friends he has brought into my life.
15. When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread at my ranch.
16. I love when people tell me songs they heard that reminded them of me....one of my favorite things ever.
17. I am a blonde headed, left handed writing, Spanish faced woman.
18. I wish I was wittier.
19. I have had skin cancer which has lead to really awesome scars across my body which has lead to me makin up way cooler stories like a gang fight stab wounds & a chainsaw accident.
20. I could survive off chocolate and cheese if my ass didn't grow one way and my stomach the other.
21. I have a serious, SERIOUS boot obsession.
22. I like simple, the best date anyone could ever take me on would be a bottle of wine, a long drive with a small fire next to the lake, Laying in the bed of a truck looking at the stars. That would be ideal.
23. I don't like diamonds. Really. I would rather have turquoise.
24. I fall asleep to legends of the fall nightly.
25. The scripture Genesis 29:17 is the best scripture ever (check it)
26. I want to travel far and wide but mainly in America. I love this country.

That's enough for today..... I'm off to watch the 10 commandments with my grandmother. Happy Easter.

Saturday night blessings

As I lay here another lonely Saturday night by myself in my bed I can't help but feel grateful tonight....

Most lonely nights I feel bitter & spiteful that so many young people are with loved ones, or on first dates & so on....I usually don't understand why I have to be so lonely, why God took Mike from my grips, why he needed him more then I. I question it a lot.

Tonight is not one of those nights, tonight I sat down on my computer and went thru all my pictures, I usually cry my eyes out but for some reason tonight it was just a grateful cry. I sat and recollected on all the memories I was able to have with Mike, the goofy love we had, he was he & I was I, which made us we.....we were the same soul just split into two bodies.

People frequently told us that I was the girl version of him, & he the boy version of me. From the beginning we never tried to impress one another & I think that's what made us fall so much quicker and harder because we were us and we loved who the other person was.

Two weeks after we had went on our first date Mike told me he loved me, we had people we had never met asking us on week three how long we had been in love, and when we told them that we had barely started dating it usually surprised people, they said we looked like old souls who have been married for years.

You could see from the beginning how strong, sweet, beautiful, and indescribable our love for each other was, it was a once in a lifetime thing. Though it was a quick and short ride, I know with out a doubt it was the greatest blessing to ever come into my life. Mike showed me so much in so little time, he showed me what love felt like, how to laugh until I peed, how to live like there's no tomorrow, to be friendly, caring, helpful, goofy & myself. He brought the true girl I am out. He made me, me.

Mike was so incredible and so loved & I was reminded tonight when looking thru his funeral pictures, that whole period of time is a complete blur to me so to see all the people who came out and were there for me is amazing. Thousands of people. I could never say thank you enough! So as I look back at our pictures tonight I smile because I was so blessed to have had Michael Tyler Barr in my life, I love him more then any one soul could love another.

Thank you for blessing me with your love Meesk. I can't wait to see you again...

Road trippin on a short weekend

Quick post during the super bowl power outage (anyone else hate beyonces dancing as much as me, seriously shoot me).

Got the opportunity to go on a road trip this lovely weekend with my youngest cousin Travis. I left Springerville Az Friday night, headed to Winslow Az to meet up with him, come 4am Saturday mornin we were up, barely, more in a zombie state headin to the stables to load up his two horses & the rest of his tack. We were on the road by 5 & on a lifetime, memorable road trip headed to Missouri. We made it to Pampa Tx Saturday night where we met up with my aunt and uncle (Travis parents), we were able to leave the horses in care of the sweetest Texans, people are so polite & kind in that state I can't wait to move there. Was plain exhausted Saturday night tried going to bed around 10 and was woken at 2 by drunken texts from friends, those didn't stop until 3 & I had to be up by 4 so to say the least didn't head back to bed & just got up and took care of business we were out on the road by 5 once again that morning & luckily made great timing across Oklahoma & Kansas & were able to get to Polo Missouri around 3pm, dropped the horses off at the arena & settled in for my week adventure here in the prairies. Had a great time with my cousin, shared a bunch of great stories & lots of laughs. Love him so much & am so blessed God put me in the most amazing family.

Just a couple pictures of the adventure...gorgeous sunrises, sunsets, beautiful boots, crazy faces, random bathroom spots, & a gypsy soul.

"Some women have souls that beg to move, to travel, to love, to be free. These women have Gypsy Soul. They have a spirit that demands more out of life; this
spirit is not easily tamed and penetrates the soul. Gypsy blood runs deep and cannot be ignored."

The ride

Whoever comes into my life I hope you read this, I hope you realize my heart is still raw, it's still on the mend. Whether you come into my life for a moment, a day, a week, a month, or even years, I hope you realize I have dealt with something nobody should have to deal with & you will take that into consideration when you you come into my life. My heart is tender and sweet, probably too sweet. It will care for you instantly, it will want you to be apart of its life, because that's me, I want to meet as many people, love as many people as possible and hear their story, I want their story to intertwine with mine. I don't want to be just a memory In your life, I want to be somebody who will change it for the better. I want to make you laugh, and have fun & have stupid inside jokes with one another, I want to be a piece of your puzzle.

No matter how long you come into my life, be honest, be upfront, and don't play games with me. Honestly I don't have time, life is to precious and sweet to waste it with games. If you like someone, tell them, if you don't like someone, tell them, if you want to slow things down, tell them, if you're falling crazy fast for that person but scared they don't feel the same, tell them. How will you ever know how they feel If you don't tell them...even if you get rejected or you're the person having to do the rejection, the truth is you are being truthful & there is nothing more raw, or emotional about that, but at least you will know or the other person will know & you will both be able to pick up the pieces of your life and move on, or maybe you will fall madly in love with each other, have some red bull and vodka and go dancing in the rain, but you will never know until you talk. Communication is key in this world. We were born to talk and to listen & to love and to laugh.

I love to laugh, I love to do stupid things at random times, I am wild hearted & goofy. I want random memories & sweet words. If you're thinking of me, tell me. If you just ran into a pole because you were looking at the cool lookin cloud, tell me. I know people have lives, people are busy but take the minute to tell me you're crazy busy but you're thinking of me and you will talk to me when you get the chance, or even send a retarded text, the fact you're thinking if me matters. I love hearing from people I love being able to have a personal conversation mono e mono without the whole social world knowing. Not that I don't like that either, social networking expressions of emotions are great too. Basically what I'm getting at is talk to me, be honest, upfront, and be open to new experiences because that's what I'm doing, and as much as I hate it, I love it at the same time.

God took the greatest love I've ever known from me, but God doesn't close one door without opening another one, a greater one. I'm not saying it won't be hard for both of us, I will compare you to Mike, as much as I will try not too, I will. He was great and I deserves to be compared too, you should feel so lucky to be compared to him, that means you got my heart going.


"there are many things that bring a man and woman together, but only one thing that holds them together....God"

Rach.

Social media

Soooo, I broke down and got a twitter today. Why? You ask, I ask myself the same question. I think the main reason I have it is because I find myself crawling into this deep hate for social media. Seriously guys it's bad. I look in the mirror and see a vivacious 25 year old, but when I think of my thoughts and who I socialize with and how I do it I see a 65 year old woman.

I swear I was born in the wrong generation. I should have been born in the generation where people were up front, honest, worked hard, spent most the day outside, and we're able to socialize face to face.

So here I am on a blog writing about my hate for social media, doesn't make a whole heck of a lotta sense. I'm trying an experiment for myself to see if I can fit better in my generation by exposing myself to things that make me uncomfortable via text, twitter, Facebook, and insta. Me as a person if I want to talk to you I will call, text, or show up at your door. I don't feel the need to go about it all over the Internet for the world to see but that's the world I live in now so I better get used to it if I want to survive.

As for my blog it's a diary that helps express my feelings. Writing makes my heart happy & my mind feel free.

Here's to new beginnings & witty, quirky, happiness in the 2013 world. Wish me luck. (especially when it comes to the flirting/dating world I'm a lost cause. Mike made it to easy for me to fall in love with him & to hard when he left)

Beautiful evening my loveys.

Hi there.

when I’m feeling worn out, like I have no love to give, when I’m feeling separated from the world and cut off from myself and become caught up in every little thing because I’m not in control, I’ll remember that there’s an infinite amount of love available to me. And I’ll see it in You. And I’ll remember that I’m complete, and most of all, I’ll remember that everything I really need I already have. And whatever I don’t have will come to me when I’m ready to recieve it.